Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Snakes on a Plane!

I recently saw "Snakes on a Plane" with some friends, and the movie was about as wonderfully awful as you can imagine. It ranks up there with "The Swarm" in terms of "so bad you have to watch it".

As you may know, the film was created as a result of a brainstorming session among producers in Hollywood who were trying to come up with the worst idea for a film. The idea was greenlit when it occurred to them that even this terrible idea could make some money, as many viewers appreciate good camp value. And Samuel L. Jackson got on board, based solely on the ridiculously expositional title for the film. (Of course, Samuel L. hasn't exactly been in a lot of critical winners lately, but the man does need a paycheck!).

The story is a simple one--an Asian gangster (seems that while making Italians gangsters is considered offensive, the Asians and Russians are fair game. They should have gotten their own anti-defamation league!) was witnessed murdering a prosecutor. Rather than get a high priced lawyer to challenge the witness' ability to ID him and get the charges dropped, he does the next smartest thing--smuggles a bunch of crazed deadly snakes onto the plane on which the witness and his federal agent protector (Jackson) are flying. Computer generated hijinks ensue, and you can witness the snakes attacking people in the most gruesome manners possible--penises, breasts, eye sockets--everything's fair game for these snakes! You also get to see a male flight attendant who everyone thinks is gay but he's not, not that there's anything wrong with that, and this attendant grabs a snake and microwaves it by pushing a button that actually has a "snake" setting (next to "popcorn").

Of course a mean obnoxious British businessman gripes about being bumped down from first class, even though the airline gives him a voucher for a free flight. (And when they gave him the voucher? I thought to myself, I bet anything this guy won't live to use the voucher! They could have given him a check for a million bucks while they were at it) He complains "a free voucher wont' get me to my destination any sooner" which is odd, because the point of flying first class isn't to get there sooner so much as to have a more comfortable flight. But we all know he's going to be snake food before the movie is over, and in predictableness it happens. A giant python is let loose on the plane, and he grabs an annoying woman's chihuahua and tosses it down the python's gullet. The lady screams at him, and he yells "better the dog than a human" which while cold does make some sense. I like dogs (not chihuahuas though, as they suck) but believe me if it came down to my pet dog and my child you can guess which I'd save, unless my kid was that evil kid from the Omen in which case sucks to be you kid. Obviously, the python is still hungry and eats the British guy, which we are supposed to think is justification for him being obnoxious and sacrificing the little dog. (Mind you, we just saw snakes kill about 30 people. But according to movie logic, the dog outranks people. I'll argue that the dog certainly outranks the producers of this film). Never mind that pythons after eating need about a week to digest and so after eating the dog the python should have been like "whoa, I'm good...and it was Mexican so I'll apologize in advance for what's to come, folks!" Frankly, a talking python would be the least stupid thing in this film. Just once I'd like to see a horror film that surprises us all by having the rotten obnoxious guy survive.

Other plot holes abound. Note to my readers--if we're ever on a snake infested plane together? I'll be the first to suggest that the pilots drop the cabin temperature to 30 degrees and everyone grab blankets. Snakes are cold blooded and can't function in cold temperatures. Yet, despite being on the radio with a "snake expert" on the ground, no one is advised of this rather simple remedy. Instead they pile luggage about three feet high to block off the snakes. Which would be a great idea if snakes couldnt' climb.

Anyway, they do survive, and Samuel L. Jackson does get some choice lines, including "time to get these motherf***ing snakes of this motherf***ing plane!!!" I'm just hoping for a sequel, Snakes on a Greyhound Bus.


  1. Dude that movie was motherfucking awesome.

    You could lower the cabin temperature by depressurizing it!

  2. J--yeah the air temperatures at those altitudes are well below freezing, even if the A/C didn't work they could just drop the heat. Plus, after the pilot was attacked by a snake, why did it not occur to anyone to keep some extra people in the cockpit to try and protect him?

  3. My personal fanwank is that the "snake crack" also somehow made them immune to cold.

  4. Shannon--or how about the head gangster being sure to tell his snake supplier his entire scheme, and not post even one of his thugs nearby to make sure the guy kept his mouth shut? Especially considering the whole "airplane snake attack" scheme was conceived in order to quiet another guy who knew too much? After all, one eyewitness who saw you murder one person at a distance is probably not as much of a threat as a co-conspirator turning state's evidence to a plan that results in the deaths of a planeload of people.

  5. Samuel L coulda fixed the snakes by saying "Hand me my lightsaber, it's the one that says 'Bad Muthafucka' on the hilt."

    And yeah, I always wondered why they didn't just depressurize the plane...and I've never seen the movie. You know, or land the plane. That coulda worked too.

  6. Foggy--he didn't use a lightsaber but did use a taser! They really should have had the label on it say "Bad MFer" though, the audience would have loved it.

    Depressurization is one possibility--I'm not sure how much that would have affected the passengers though. They couldn't land as the plane was over the ocean at the time.

    Sadly, no one had a pet mongoose, in which case they could have said "okay, Mister Nibbles, this is your time to shine!" and set him free to do his heroics.

  7. I'm actually just really impressed that you remember so many details. I'm really bad with details. Especially when I'm consuming alcohol while watching said movie.

  8. Zan--I think the campiness of the film blasted through my drunk sheild.